the wilderness and constructs

Lot's Wife

Principles and Powers chose destruction. Her husband got her out. There was fire, hot ash, screams. As they ran away from their home, their friends, their world.

Unable to bare the pain and suffering, she turned back. She look upon the world, and wept. The more she thought of the death and agony the more she cried. Tears flowed from her in endless waves. She was overcome. She wept and wailed until there was nothing left but salt.

Her body, given, broken.

Microbiology

If the universe was a being She would look down on us through a microscope We would overwhelm her with our numbers and also bemuse her with our simplicity The small microbes on the spot which is floating in her vast body Her gaze takes so long to reach our material beings that all of our time looks, to her, like a straight line Flashing in and out of existence Expanding and contrasting faster than she can comprehend

If she loses interests she will miss our complexity If she is ever able to slow down the image that is us she will see our true forms from moment to minuscule moment If she can She may reach her end before she is able

And whomever peers down on her with the same intrigued eyes will see her flash into existence and flash out, like a tube, a line

The most significant and insignificant thing in existence

On True Freedom

Freedom is not a gift given by circumstance, money, or a verbal acknowledgment, that kind of freedom always comes with a debt. True freedom comes from within. It comes from having and holding one’s life, the ability to know we are good and know when we have been wrong and to seek what is right. It comes from, in my opinion, the love and security only provided by the divine outside and inside of us. It never promises a pain-free path, it never promises certainty or even ultimatums.

I think Jesus showed that it is possible to live life outside of the fear that cages us, but he also showed that life is not without pain and suffering – yet it is a life full of joy and wonder and connection. We are saved not by our adherence to rules or a heaven which excuses us from a human life, we are saved by the freedom provided through love and seeking the truth of the Divine.

Trees

Yesterday I sat under a large oak tree. It's bark was tough and split in areas, some branches were missing leaves but others were full of foliage. It was old and had endured trauma but it was strong.

I am hurting right now. I have been. I have been confused about where to go, who to be, how I relate to others. That pain is real as I sit here typing, not knowing what do about it and if it is my fault. Part of what I have assumed about relationships with other people is based on an idea of give and take. People, to my mind, are in relationship with because they get something out of it and can also give back. This may be true. I think the pain for me lies me not know what the “something” is, or perhaps thinking it is something that it is not.

When a great big wind blew past the large tree the branches and leaves swayed but the trunk is still. This is possible because of the strong roots under the tree, they provide what the tree needs to grow and to withstand weather.

I have all too often relied on others to define my worth. I still want that, I want to feel loved, appreciated, cared for. This is human. My old habit of closing off, building strength in myself, lower my expectations of love isn't working anymore and I am out of defensive mechanisms for the this type of pain so I just feel raw and open. I am crying a lot and wrestling with my love for others a result. Cynicism is nasty as it twists both ways so it creeps up on me in moments I regret greatly.

The thing about really strong roots is that while they may mirror the branches above they are more protected and protective. In this way I learned from the tree that it is okay to protect parts of me. It is okay to be certain of where my strength comes from. If I know my strength and protect it then my trunk can grow and my branches can sway as they need to.

So what am I missing? Where are my roots and how can I nourish and protect them so that the sway of the wind doesn't topple me over?

I am working on the answers to these questions, as I imagine I will be for the rest of my life. But of what I DO know is this: Life is all connected, the individual needs the all and the all needs the individual. and Love is the animating energy in the world and is to be cherished and protected and longed for.

As I left the tree I held some of its branches is in my hand. I felt a pain emanating from it, it called out to me. It said something was wrong... something was wrong at the roots. The earth is being abused, the all is lost for the individual. I cannot say whether the energy came from the tree into me or whether I projected my energy onto it but I carry this in me now. Individualism is deep and rooted in us, it is spurred on by survival and instinct, but I think there is another way for the roots to grow. Truly caring for self is truly caring for others and truly caring for others is caring for self. What we often call “sin” or “evil” in this world is bent on obstructing that, but this comes from within. This “sin” would not be here without humans. But that energy has an opposite potential. The potential to commune with each other and with the earth. To weep, to laugh, to celebrate, to expose, to heal, to love. The potential is in me and in you even though sometimes the wind blows our branches in different directions. Even though we endure different weather and grow in different soils and experience different traumas. I feel the need to share these deep roots with others. My desire is to connect there. To be individuals in our lives and actions but deeply connected to what makes us human and what makes it good.

Dialectical Spiritualism pt 1 On Being in the Flow

The act of being still is the divine masculine. A pillar, a tower, unmoving yet naming and knowing. The construction of what is and what will always be. To access the masculine is to sit and be still and know.

But what is known in the stillness? Is it just more stillness?

Stillness provides a moment to notice movement. To notice the flow: the divine feminine. What appears to be chaos and confusion becomes a song of beauty. A song is disorder within order, an alarming change that always surprises and stirs. This feminine cannot be held, controlled or still, it is motion. To be fully human is to be as still as the masculine see the motion that is the feminine and then to give into the flow.

Dialectical Spiritualism

I would like to start a series of posts on the topic of what we call “masculine” and what we call “feminine.” They are metaphors; not quite explaining a truth, a component of existence, but a dichotomy we can all know and access. Using the imperfect names and often fraught comparisons I would like to use these Divine forces which oppose, constrict and contract, to articulate my thoughts on the change from dualism to non-dualism without loosing the dance, the dance that is human experience and relationship with god.

For myself I like to call this, the dialectical spiritualism. Which is the movement and processes from dualism to non-dualism as a reoccurring and natural process of the human spirit.

In The Beginning

God poured herself out, sharing her body, creating life. Water, mountain, plant, and creatures were with God and they were good. In her last breath before resting in the beauty she created, she birthed creatures who would know her: the beings.

The beings were naked, exposed but they did not care. They knew God was one with them. Over time and as they grew they started asking questions. They had named the world around them but didn't know how to name themselves. The fear that they were separate from their Mother overtook them and as a result they sought separation from Her. Loneliness was cold and the newly found separation made their nakedness dangerous. They found ways to cover themselves, the material they used was called Shame.

God was saddened. She knew the separation was a lie but try as she might, she could not convince the beings that they were still hers, so she offered them something she had not offered the rest of her creation. She made new clothes for them. The beings were no longer covered in Shame but covered in Love. The Mother gently moved the beings deeper into her creation, a place called Wilderness, and said, “You will experience the pain of labor, you will bleed as you work the earth, as I have. Through this pain you will know me and you will be a part of my Joy.”

The beings looked upon the Glory and saw beauty and felt the warmth of oneness.

The beings created new life just as the Mother had done. Sometimes they felt apart, sometimes they felt confused, sometimes they once again clothed themselves in Shame. But Love never left their world and neither did the Mother.

Toxic Masculinity and the Disharmony of What We Call Gender

An aside: I am by no means an expert on the matter of gender identify or sexual orientation. This is just coming from my experience and ideas about what we tend to call masculine and feminine.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the true nature of the masculine and the feminine. I do not mean masculine and feminine purely in the terms as they are related in our culture and society, often to gender expression and/or biological traits. I am more talking about masculine and feminine as the opposing and harmonizing energies in the world. The yin and the yang.

I think the masculine and the feminine is a part of everything and in everything. As we are human, the feminine and masculine lives in each of us and given that we are extremely relational creatures, how our energies relate to others' mix of energies is important. If we all contain different arrangements of these energies, how could we know what is appropriate for anyone person. It takes a level of deep knowing to even attempt to understand what is true masculine and true feminine and how those two forces work within us and work in our relationships. There may be very surface and material ways we as a collective have chosen to reveal these energies and it would seem that some level of majority has dictated how we define them. I see know problem with that expect for how value and power dynamics have been arranged around them.

The world has upheld and demanded and overvalued the masculine. The scales have tipped and the balance is off and we each feel it in our own ways. Some of us who long for the balance seek it within ourselves, others through partners, and many through both. I don't think there is one right or wrong way but to truly seek the harmony of gender seems necessary. It seems right.

I am not sure if there were other times in history with great upheavals of gender and great disharmony between Masculine and Feminine. I feel it right now, powerfully in my own life it is true, but I also feel it all around me. Things seem wild or chaotic in these times but that is another energy simply asking to balance itself. Order has mostly controlled our world and thus has tried to box in the other energies.

This my take away from these thoughts and what I want to continually remind myself: Don't hold too tightly to these labels but do seek to know what those energies are and what they hold for us. I get the feeling it is very powerful and could bring great healing to our world. Trust your instincts.

Female Characters in the Patriarchy

I am going to talk about the character of Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones.

You don't have to like the show or watch the show to understand the way women are betrayed by the narratives of men.

I have seen critiques of rape being used as a plot device but the last couple of episodes of Game of Thrones has used loving, consensual sex to reinforce the patriarchy.

Jamie and Brienne have been a unique pair in Game of Thrones. They were enemies who not only began to respect each other but to truly love each other. Jamie had stood up for Brienne and Brienne had stood up for Jamie. The arch of their love was reached when Jamie knighted Brienne; a woman who had always been told she could not be a knight. It was an incredibly touching and meaningful scene.

What happened next was that Brienne admitted to being a virgin and Jamie “filled” that need for her. In one stroke, the writers eliminated the knight in favor of the lady. Now it appears as though Brienne was only a tough woman, wanting to be a knight, because she had not been treated like a woman. Not only is this message anti-feminist but it could be anti-queer as well. Brienne was sexual pursued by a man whom she rejected and the love she had for Jamie (and Jamie for her) had been well established so why then did Jamie and Brienne have to sleep together?

The story seems to indicate that the romance between Jamie and Brienne was the only way to trick the audience into thinking that Jamie could be reformed. The writers wanted us to believe that Jamie was done with Cersei and they sacrificed Brienne's whole story for that moment.

And isn't that what happens, time and time again to well written female characters? Their story changes the moment a male character's story calls for it.

The Parable of the Cave and the Deer

There was a girl who fled from her abuser. She found a cave deep in the forest and found refuge there. In the cave she discovered her ability to light a fire.

She loved that fire, it warmed her, provided light, and fed her. She tended to the fire dutifully and believed it was the meaning of life, yet she remained in the cave. She drew on the walls all the beautiful ways she imaged the world outside could be. Sometimes she made figures out of dirt and clay and would tell stories using the shadows they cast on the wall. While this world made the girl strong she began to fear the loss of her beloved fire. She felt a longing to leave the cave, to seek the world she began to know in her stories, but her fear kept her tending to the fire.

Soon a deer wondered into the cave. The girl was captivated by this graceful doe and the deer was inspired by the stories of the girl. The deer told the girl that her stories were true and that she should come out and see the world. Dazed by the beauty and love of this doe the girl gladly ran outside with the deer, longing for the truth she had only imagined. Once outside the cave, the fire of the sun was blinding. The girl was in momentary awe and amazement of what she had kept from herself but she looked around and noticed the deer was gone. The deer, being as radiant as the sun, had melted into the light of the forest.

The girl ran back in the cave and the deer saw her and followed. When the deer asked what was wrong the girl ignored her and focused on tending to the fire. The deer waited patiently for the girl to notice her. Once the fire was strong again, the girl looked up and asked the deer to stay with her, in the cave where it was safe. The deer looked at the girl with great sadness and the girl knew the answer. As the deer left, the girl shivered, cold in her loneliness. The strength that fire once brought her was now just part of her imaginary stories.

The girl made a deer out of rocks and clay, dancing its shadow across the rocky cave wall.