Trees
Yesterday I sat under a large oak tree. It's bark was tough and split in areas, some branches were missing leaves but others were full of foliage. It was old and had endured trauma but it was strong.
I am hurting right now. I have been. I have been confused about where to go, who to be, how I relate to others. That pain is real as I sit here typing, not knowing what do about it and if it is my fault. Part of what I have assumed about relationships with other people is based on an idea of give and take. People, to my mind, are in relationship with because they get something out of it and can also give back. This may be true. I think the pain for me lies me not know what the “something” is, or perhaps thinking it is something that it is not.
When a great big wind blew past the large tree the branches and leaves swayed but the trunk is still. This is possible because of the strong roots under the tree, they provide what the tree needs to grow and to withstand weather.
I have all too often relied on others to define my worth. I still want that, I want to feel loved, appreciated, cared for. This is human. My old habit of closing off, building strength in myself, lower my expectations of love isn't working anymore and I am out of defensive mechanisms for the this type of pain so I just feel raw and open. I am crying a lot and wrestling with my love for others a result. Cynicism is nasty as it twists both ways so it creeps up on me in moments I regret greatly.
The thing about really strong roots is that while they may mirror the branches above they are more protected and protective. In this way I learned from the tree that it is okay to protect parts of me. It is okay to be certain of where my strength comes from. If I know my strength and protect it then my trunk can grow and my branches can sway as they need to.
So what am I missing? Where are my roots and how can I nourish and protect them so that the sway of the wind doesn't topple me over?
I am working on the answers to these questions, as I imagine I will be for the rest of my life. But of what I DO know is this: Life is all connected, the individual needs the all and the all needs the individual. and Love is the animating energy in the world and is to be cherished and protected and longed for.
As I left the tree I held some of its branches is in my hand. I felt a pain emanating from it, it called out to me. It said something was wrong... something was wrong at the roots. The earth is being abused, the all is lost for the individual. I cannot say whether the energy came from the tree into me or whether I projected my energy onto it but I carry this in me now. Individualism is deep and rooted in us, it is spurred on by survival and instinct, but I think there is another way for the roots to grow. Truly caring for self is truly caring for others and truly caring for others is caring for self. What we often call “sin” or “evil” in this world is bent on obstructing that, but this comes from within. This “sin” would not be here without humans. But that energy has an opposite potential. The potential to commune with each other and with the earth. To weep, to laugh, to celebrate, to expose, to heal, to love. The potential is in me and in you even though sometimes the wind blows our branches in different directions. Even though we endure different weather and grow in different soils and experience different traumas. I feel the need to share these deep roots with others. My desire is to connect there. To be individuals in our lives and actions but deeply connected to what makes us human and what makes it good.